Pre-term relationships can be very confusing. He clearly enjoys your company. You have chemistry. You might even seem compatible for the long-term. So, why doesn’t he want to make it official?
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1. He enjoys the relationship benefits
I know this thought has occurred to you because it’s always my first assumption when I end up in a situationship.
He may keep you around because he likes sleeping with you, and he doesn’t want to stop. He’s getting all the relationship benefits without actually having to put in relationship energy.
It’s an easy way to satisfy his needs without having to do something he doesn’t want to do: commit. You’re both adults, ideally single ones. He doesn’t see this as an issue. It isn’t one — unless you have feelings for him and want the relationship to progress to a more committed stage.
You may keep him coming around in hopes that he’ll change his mind, but you’re just reinforcing the casual nature of the relationship.
You need to decide if you can live with the physical relationship only. If he’s been clear he doesn’t want more than that, you’ll need to make peace with it rather than trying to convince him you’d be a stellar partner. You can either decide to take what he has to offer, or you can end the relationship because it doesn’t meet your relational needs.
If you continue all the while knowing he doesn’t want what you do, you take on the responsibility for this action — and its heartbreaking consequences.
2. He doesn’t want to be lonely
According to an article by Dr. Avrum Weiss in Psychology Today, men report experiencing loneliness more often than women, and research shows that loneliness has been linked to heart disease, stroke, and even self-harm.
It’s very likely that the person who keeps you around without commitment is filling a need.
He doesn’t want to be alone, and he takes comfort in the non-relationship he has with you. Loneliness can be excruciating, but it can be equally painful to settle for less than you want in a situationship relationship.
Is it enough that he wants you around because you make him feel less alone?
If you care about him, your first instinct may be a resounding “yes”, but if you have cultivated deeper self-love, you may realize that the “yes” to him is a “no” to you.
Are you willing to suffer the loneliness of the situationship to alleviate his loneliness?
3. He needs a backup option while he plays the field
Some people simply don’t want to settle into one relationship.
They like to play the field and keep their options open. He may have even put you on his backup roster in case other potential partners don’t work out.
If you don’t want to be just one of many in his rotation, you may need to take a step back and think about what you’re going to do about it.
If the relationship is noncommittal, he’s not technically doing anything wrong.
While some situationships may evolve into full-blown relationships, more often than not, they don’t become anything more than casual sex.
This likely won’t end well. You can’t make him want a relationship if he doesn’t, and you might not be open to settling for being the backup option.
While you can’t control him, you can decide how you’re going to handle the situation. Are you going to stay, knowing it’s less than you deserve? Or are you going to leave even though you’ve caught feelings?
4. He’s insecure and needs the ego boost
Insecurity isn’t exclusive to women. Sometimes, he keeps you around because it really strokes his ego. You make him feel good — desired, cared for, appreciated.
You may even overlook his flaws because you like him that much, and it feels good to him. Some men are happy to find this non-committal ego boost in one woman, but some tend to keep dating and sourcing that feeling from as many people as they can manage.
It’s normal that he wants to feel good, but is it making you feel bad — about the nature of your relationship and yourself?
If this scenario is making you insecure to soothe his insecurities, it may be time to cut and run.
5. He’s not over his ex
This one is a hard pill to swallow. Does he keep talking about his ex? When he mentions his ex, does he still seem pretty emotional?
Even if he acts like he hates her, that’s just a clue he’s not over her.
That doesn’t mean he wants to rekindle that relationship. In some cases, he just has healing to do so that he’s not sad or angry about the relationship or the way it ended.
That also counts as not being over his ex. On the other hand, you might have noticed the tone he gets in his voice when he would happily run back to her if given the opportunity.
Maybe she felt like “The One” for him, and he can’t seem to get over it. Do you want to play second fiddle to the last person he loved?
He might keep you around because he likes you and thinks one day he’ll be ready for more than a casual fling, but for now, he’s still hung up on the ex. Are you willing to wait in hopes that his feelings change?
Are you willing to be the understudy for the woman he really wants in his life?
6. He doesn’t think you’re “it” for him
This one hurts.
He may sincerely enjoy being with you. He may think you’d be an awesome partner in a relationship. He just doesn’t think you’re “The One” for him.
This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just means that — for whatever reason — something about the relationship doesn’t seem like a good fit. If you want to try to get to the bottom of it, just know that sometimes it’s not a feeling that can be defined. You know when it’s right, just like you know when something feels slightly off for you.
It’s never fun to be the person they don’t want for a reason you can’t really understand, but we’ve all been on both sides of it.
If you’ve ever had a person have a crush on you that you just wouldn’t date, you’ve been there. It’s not personal. The heart wants what the heart wants, right?
It just hurts when your heart wants him, but his heart says it’s not right with you.
He may even throw the old “I’m not ready for a relationship” at you, but it really just means “I’m not ready for a relationship … with you”.
If you felt right for him, he’d likely jump at the chance to make it official because he wouldn’t want to lose you. But he might not tell you that he doesn’t want that with you because he thinks he’s protecting your feelings.
7. It’s just too early
Of course, it might just be too early in the relationship for him to upgrade the status to something more.
Research has shown that it takes around six months for people to know if the one they’re with is marriage material. Even if you’re not interested in getting married, this information indicates that it could take a few months to decide if the relationship is headed in a serious direction.
If you’ve only been together a month or two, you might want to adjust your expectations.
The one you’re with may not want to be Facebook-official before they’re sure the relationship could actually last.
After all, no one really wants to have to keep updating their relationship status from single to in a relationship more times than necessary.
It’s possible that it’s just too early for him to make the move to an official relationship.
If your non-relationship situationship has been going on for years, this isn’t the case. But if it’s early days, don’t feel like something’s wrong just because it’s not reached official status.
