What’s more important, kindness, or respect? Are they equals, or is one subordinate to the other? In this article, we shall discuss kindness and respect.
Ok, in case you’re thinking “Who cares?” or “What difference does it make?” consider this: When you prioritize kindness in your dealings with others, you may act differently from what you would do if you prioritized respect. For example, many people often withhold what they consider to be difficult truths, or facts that might upset, frighten or worry a friend, or family member, or coworker, in an attempt to be kind. Late in the Harry Potter stories, Albus Dumbledore pretty much admits to Harry that one of his greatest mistakes was to do this and keep certain things from the young boy that he should have told him much sooner.
When we withhold difficult truths from someone who might genuinely want to know them, however hurtful or disturbing they might be, we are not respecting the other person as a mature spirit, or soul, capable of dealing with difficulty. We might say we’re doing it to be kind. But we’re not showing the ultimate of respect. When we truly respect another person, we tend to be more forthright and honest. We’ll also certainly try to do this, to be truthful, with kindness, so it isn’t a matter of choosing one rather than the other. But it’s a matter of which guides which.
Think for a moment about the relationship of these two qualities, kindness and respect.
Kindness without respect is either paternalism, or is the mere outward appearance of the caring virtue and not its reality, but rather more a form of manipulation, or else a mere cultural habit to smooth out the bumps of human relations.
Respect without kindness can be a sort of formal and almost grudging sense of at least rough and partial equality in some crucial regard. But without the warming influence of true care, it’s by itself rather cold.
In all of your interactions, being yourself needs to be balanced with communicating the importance of your relationship.
In every moment you are either bringing your relationship closer together or further apart.
Expressing yourself authentically while honoring your relationship includes speaking about what you need in a calm, rational voice.
It’s your tone of voice and your intent that communicates how important your partner is to you.
On the other hand, what you say should be genuine so that it reflects the honesty of the moment. You’ll assist your partner in hearing you when you focus on what you want instead of expressing judgment. This is an interdependent stance, the middle ground between independence which is too distant and dependence, which is too close for love to grow.
By expressing your true thoughts and feelings in an empowered way, you focus on the changes you’d like. For example, instead of saying “I’m really angry at you because you’re always on my case about this,” you can say “I’m feeling pretty angry. I’d like us to get along.” Speaking this way allows your partner to listen to you instead of becoming defensive. You’re simply expressing yourself and your desire instead of making your partner wrong. This is the complete opposite of silencing your voice and walking on eggshells.
It’s likely that you have communicated important matters to your partner with kindness and respect and didn’t achieve positive results. You partner might have responded to you in anger or by withdrawing. A typical response would then be for you to eventually back down to end the fight or stop the silence. In maintaining your perspective balanced with kindness and respect, don’t allow your partner’s anger or silence (fight or flight response) to reinstate the status quo. Instead, remain calm and consistent in your message and disengage from any heated conversation. Remember, that there are no victims; only volunteers. So, don’t give your power away by giving in, as this doesn’t serve either one of you.
Over time, when you are consistent, anger or silence shifts into cooperation. This is because your partner’s need for connection for you is strong. Anger and silence (fear) is a negative form of connection. Although it may take some time, if you no longer engage it will naturally dissipate. All behavior is purposeful. By speaking in a way that communicates the importance of your relationship, your partner will eventually realize that the only available avenue for connection with you is through kindness and respect (love).
I hope you find this article helpful as well as interesting.
