Table of Contents
Abuse should be dismissed as soon as possible
Use the Gray Rock Method
Treat the abuser’s actions as if they are unimportant. In short, learn to ignore them. When you use the gray rock method, you don’t show facial expressions. And you don’t in any way respond to what they are saying and doing. You simply act unphased by it. Keep in mind, however, that violent abusers will likely escalate even without your participation.
You’ll also want to make sure you have a safe person you can express yourself to. This way you don’t learn to shut down your emotions all the time — only when being provoked.
2. Get Therapy
If you recognize a relationship in your life in these signs of reactive abuse, it could be time to involve a professional.
An individual therapist can help you process your thoughts, feelings, and experiences outside the relationship.
You can also learn to develop stronger coping skills and identify ways to break the toxic cycle that leads to reactive abuse.
While couples’ therapy is often recommended for people struggling with issues within the relationship, this is one of those times when it would be most beneficial to have a separate individual therapist as well as a couples’ therapist.
Trauma therapy in particular could be helpful.
3. Choose a No Contact Strategy
Another option for dealing with reactive abuse is to eliminate all contact with the abuser.
Blocking them on your phone and social media and effectively ghosting them may be the only way to deal with this ongoing abusive behavior.
While you may be tempted to try to work on the relationship, reactive abuse can put you in danger.
The no contact strategy can also give you and the other person time and space to work on your issues.
There could even be a possibility of re-establishing a relationship at a later time if true behavior change has occurred.
4. Recognize the Manipulation
They will try to make you believe you’re at fault. They’ll even have examples. Be aware of the manipulation. Write it down if that helps or tell a trusted friend.
If you can outline how it began, how you reacted, and how it ended, you can systematically review conflicts. And this will help you see if you are goaded into a reaction right before they play the victim. While you can work on making sure your behaviors are aligned with your values, you can refuse to accept guilt.
And you can refuse to accept shame, or responsibility for defending yourself from an attack.
5. Build Strong Social Support
Above all else, build strong social support outside the relationship. Have trusted people who will listen to the truth and offer safety, not judgment.
When you have doubts about something that happened, talk it out with someone whose opinion you trust . Talk to the kind of person who will tell you the truth and not just what you want to hear.
You’ll want to surround yourself with supportive people because you’ll need them if you choose to leave the relationship.
Leaving an abusive relationship comes with risks. Part of your social support can include reaching out to local domestic violence shelters to find the resources you’ll need.
A Summary
In summary, reactive abuse takes place when a person is intentionally manipulated into a physically or emotionally violent reaction.
The abuser is then able to play the victim.
The cycle of reactive abuse will include antagonism to create a reaction, proof that the victim is unstable, and turning the table on the actual victim of abuse.
