Some habits should be burnt.
He needed to talk so much that she had the impression he hadn’t talked with someone for months. For example, she was excited about her upcoming trip to Paris and was about to tell him about her plans, “I’m going to Paris with a friend next week and…” but he cut her before she could even finish the sentence, “Oh, I’ve been there twice. It’s an amazing city. The first time I’ve been there, I visited many museums.”
And then he went on talking about his experience for ten minutes.
Also, she mentioned she was reading a book, “I’m reading an interesting book called…” and he cut her before she could even say the title, “I love reading. Right now, I’m reading Angels and Demons.” Then he went on talking about the book for half an hour.
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How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Never give the impression you haven’t talked with someone for ages. Let the other person talk too and be genuinely interested in what they have to say. Learn to enjoy talking about the other person as well.
Talking About How “Attractive” You Are to “Anyone”
“In my workplace, many female colleagues find me attractive. The other day I had to decline the invitation from an attractive coworker because I had already made plans with you.”
This is what my friend Francesca had to listen to one day she went for a coffee with a guy she was dating. She found his behavior arrogant and a bit narcissistic as well — which was a total turn off. That was their last date.
As Richard B. Joelson DSW, LCSW explains in an article published in Psychology Today, we tend to think of people who boast as arrogant and insecure. And insecurity usually makes people unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
If you try to convince someone you are attractive, you might come off as insecure for the simple fact you are trying too hard to impress them.
Complaining About Your Ex
This might sound obvious. Yet, many people don’t get it. My friend Ana once went on a date with a guy who spent 80% of the time talking about his ex. During the whole date, she couldn’t wait to go back home. She felt exhausted. She felt her date used her as a therapist rather than trying to get to know her. As Kristen Fuller, M.D. explains in an article published in Psychology Today, when you’re getting to know someone, you should focus on having fun and understand them— not using them as a therapist.
Talking all the time about your ex with someone you like or are dating may not be the best choice. It makes you unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Avoid the ex topic, at least when you just met someone you like, or during the first months of dating. If the other person asks you, fine, go for it. However, keep it short; there’s no need to explain all the details of your last break up.
Comparism and Pointing Out Your Own Defects
Years ago a good friend of mine, Antonio, went on a date with a girl he met at a party, Eleonora. While they were having dinner, she told him she felt too fat and wanted to lose weight since she was dating him and didn’t want to lose him.
Then she started to compare herself to other good-looking ladies in the room. And she started to point out all her own physical defects — that my friend hadn’t even noticed.
This is what he told me the day after the date: “I really liked her before having dinner with her, but then, after our date, I felt I wasn’t attracted to her anymore, and I couldn’t quite explain how that shift took place.”
To give you another example, there’s a funny scene from the American sitcom Friends, in which Rachel, one of the main characters, goes on a blind date with a peculiar man, Steve.
During their date, he can’t help but talk about his insecurities and compare himself to successful, good-looking men. We all have our insecurities. And we all tend to compare ourselves to other people. It’s normal.
However, there will always be someone smarter, more beautiful, and more charming than us. When it comes to attraction, comparing ourselves to others is not only a waste of time, but it can also be detrimental to how someone perceives us — especially if we do it in front of someone we like and who hasn’t even noticed our defects.
As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
As explained in an article published in Psychology Today, to stop comparing yourself to others you can follow some simple steps.
Become aware of, and avoid your triggers. Start noticing the situations that cause you to play the comparison game. Avoid using other people’s outward appearance to judge the reality of their life. Be grateful for the good things you have in your life. Focus on your strengths.
