Dear Love author, I met a guy a year ago and throughout the year we went on 6 dates. He made me feel really special and great but I wasn’t ready to commit and something inside me stopped me. First, I thought I was not attracted to him and we weren’t compatible so I called it off in July. He even waited 2 months for me to make a decision. But now I have started therapy and am understanding myself more. I have realized that I want to give us a chance and give it my all. I messaged him and initially he said he would be keen if it progressed but then he backed out when I mentioned I am not looking for just sex. I think there was miscommunication over text because he thinks I am damaged. I texted him following day letting him know that I will wait and he is worth the wait but he never replied. I fucked up so bad and I really want to give it all in because I saw a future with him and here I am now. What should I do?
Leah McGee
Did you sleep with him on the first date? Did he become your boyfriend after two weeks? Did you stay with him for four years without a ring? From this process, patterns often emerge that are revealing.
You are entitled to feelings of confusion and ambivalence about a man.
There are – simply put – healthier ways to embark on a smooth, successful relationship than others. Let me ask you how this one sounds, Leah:
- 6 dates over the course of a year.
- You decided to stop the proceedings.
- You determined that you were missing not one but BOTH of the main things needed for a relationship: chemistry and compatibility
- You left him hanging for two months without a decision (and he PUT UP with it!)
- Then, when you decided to reconsider, you handled it by text but botched the messaging.
- Somehow, this has given your guy the impression that you’re “damaged.”
I wouldn’t level such accusations but we can agree that, at the very least, you’re a little bit “confused,” which has resulted in a rocky courtship process he has finally withdrawn from.
What do you do now?
With him? Nothing. That ship has sailed.
You are entitled to feelings of confusion and ambivalence about a man. You are entitled to engage in therapy and practice personal growth. You are allowed to change your mind and reconsider your stance.
But that doesn’t mean a good man with self-esteem and options is entitled to sit and wait for you to figure your shit out, nor is he entitled to give you a second hearing.
As for what you do next? Learn from this experience and apply it going forward.
Quality, relationship-oriented guys don’t grow on trees, so the next time one expresses interest in you and makes you feel really special, try making him feel special, too.
