The key is calm. Talk to your partner and ask them to explain the reasoning behind their actions and emotions. Listen and ask questions to try and gain some understanding. “It is important that you choose a good time to ask so you both stay calm. In this article, we shall discuss helpful tips if you’re feeling angry and frustrated with your partner.
A lot of couples who come for therapy usually cite frustration with their partner as one of the major issues they face. This frustration usually stems from unmet expectations.
Expectations play a huge role in relationship satisfaction. Couples who are frustrated say things like ‘You weren’t very supportive of me when I quit my job to freelance’ or ‘You didn’t plan any special activity for our anniversary’. Constant frustration can lead to resentment and create an unhappy relationship.
Here are some practical tips to help you reduce frustration towards your partner.
1. Communicate – You need to inform your partner of your expectations ahead of time because they can’t read your mind. If you want them to text you more often, or take you on more dates, tell them why it is important to you.
2. Manage your expectations – Beyond the basic things that are necessary for a happy relationship, decide what’s really important to you and let go of some frivolous things. Remember that your happiness is directly related to your level of expectations. No expectations, no disappointment.
3. Appreciate – Be grateful for everything that your partner does for you. Appreciate your similarities and differences, and your gratitude will help you unlock a whole new level of love, passion, and satisfaction in your relationship.
4. Don’t keep score – Keeping a mental scorecard of what your partner does or doesn’t do based on your expectations will only cause hurt and frustration. Kill your mental scorecard and remember that if they aren’t aware of your expectations, they can’t possibly live up to them.
5. Accept your partner – Acceptance is key. Love your partner for who they are, not who you imagine them to be. Accepting your partner’s differences and peculiarities, makes them feel safe and respected. Judgment, however, causes them to feel blamed and become defensive.
6. Understand your partner – Understanding your partner’s personality and motivations could help you be less frustrated when they don’t meet expectations. For example, if they hate sports they’re probably not going to take the initiative to buy you tickets to see your favorite team play unless you’ve told them how important it is to you. Rather than keeping score, aim to understand your partner’s way of seeing the world.
7. Learn to calm yourself – Controlling your emotions and response when your expectations aren’t met can be the difference between a happy relationship and an unhappy one that’s bound to end. This means you need to take out time to settle and soothe yourself before talking to your partner about it.
Focus On Managing Yourself (And Not Your Partner)
When someone we love is angry with us, often we feel compelled to appease and soothe them as quickly as possible. But we ultimately can’t control anyone’s thoughts, behaviors, or emotions—we’re only tasked with managing our own.
Being calm is much more effective than trying to calm someone else, and people who can stay focused on managing their own anxiety and reactions give the other person the space to do the same. So instead of saying, “Please calm down!”, try taking a few deep breaths and slowing your own heart rate.
Concerned About Anxiety?
Uncontrollable and persistent anxiety that interferes with your daily life may indicate generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Take this assessment to see if you have symptoms common in people with an anxiety disorder.
Similarly, if you’re angry with your partner and want them to change a behavior, your attempt at controlling them is likely to produce a negative reaction. The goal is to share your thinking with the hope that you’ll be heard, not to shame the other person.
Remember, it’s unlikely that you will be heard if your words and behaviors are lighting up the fear response in your partner’s brain. Immaturity begets immaturity so often in relationships. It might feel critical to send a rude text to your partner while they’re at work or wake them up in the middle of the night with your grievances, but these strategies rarely accomplish more than escalating a conflict.
Be Aware Of Triangles
When you’re furious or peeved at a partner, it can feel cathartic to complain to a friend, your child, or even your therapist. When we use a third person to manage our stress about another, this is often called an emotional triangle. Wanting to vent is completely human and it is not wrong. But sometimes this “triangle” keeps us from working out the problem in the original relationship, and it can leave your partner feeling isolated or even make them more defensive.
So the next time you’re upset with your spouse, and you’re tempted to pick up the phone, ask yourself, “Am I asking for help or just looking for someone to agree with me?” If it’s the latter, maybe try calming yourself down before asking for someone else to do so. And while there’s nothing wrong with sharing relationship conflict with your therapist, be aware that it’s their job to be neutral and help you do your best thinking—not to agree with you that your partner is the villain of the story.
Look Past The Issues
As individuals, there are certain topics that are likely to ignite an angry reaction or an anxious reaction that can lead to conflict. Often these are topics like money, politics, religion, sex, parenting, or family drama. It’s easy to assume that having different opinions can produce anger and conflict, but more often it’s our immature reactions to these topics rather than our actual opinions.
So rather than getting hung up on resolving conflict as quickly as possible, shift your focus back to responding as maturely as you possibly can. This doesn’t mean you need to put up with abuse or volatility from a partner, or even then you have to stay in a relationship. Maturity simply looks like being willing to not let your emotions totally run the show. It looks like asking, “What is the best version of myself doing in this situation?” And you’re unlikely to see your best self slamming doors or screaming at people you love.
If you feel overwhelmed by the amount of anger in your romantic relationship, remind yourself that you are 50% of the equation. If you’re calmer and more mature, then your relationship will be calmer and more mature. Perhaps your partner will rise to the same level of maturity, or perhaps you’ll realize that the relationship isn’t right for you. Either way, you’re choosing not to let anger run the show. When one person can make that choice for themselves, they’re likely to find a partner who can do the same.
Decide what expectations are important to you, and communicate them to your partner properly. If you are able to accept and appreciate your differences, then you still have a shot at having a loving and fulfilling relationship.
I can help you resolve frustration and anger in your marriage or relationship. If you would like marriage counseling or relationship counseling, please contact me.
I hope you find this article helpful as well as interesting.
