Trust is an important part of any relationship. If you suspect that your wife has violated that trust, here’s what you should do.
Table of Contents
Confirm
Have you confirmed that she’s cheating — or do you just feel jealous? There’s a significant difference between the two. Before you go any further, you need to confirm if she’s cheating or if something else is going on.
If you have the ability to confirm whether or not she’s been cheating without violating her rights or privacy, it could help you know how you’ll want to proceed. Hiring a private investigator may be outside your budget, but there are other options to confirm infidelity. You can check credit card statements, phone bills, and other data for inconsistencies.
Confront
Once you confirm she’s cheating, it’s time to confront her with this information. Part of your decision making going forward may depend on how she handles the fact that you know. There may be relief you’ve finally found out, guilt for the behavior, or an acknowledgement that your relationship has come to an end.
You’ll have strong feelings, but try to communicate without name-calling, raised voices, or other forms of disrespect. Infidelity is a terrible betrayal, but you get to choose how you’ll manage your emotions in this moment.
Communicate
Be honest with her. Do you want to try to overcome the damage to the relationship caused by her infidelity, or do you see it as something you could never forgive? Communicate with her about the next steps. Let her know how this makes you feel — and what you want to happen next.
Part of communication is listening. What does she want? Is she willing to stop the affair and recommit to the relationship, or was she just waiting for you to initiate the ending?
Source Professional Help
Whether or not you want to continue the relationship, it’s important to seek outside professional help. As a former therapist, I would recommend couples’ counseling even if your intention is to dissolve the marriage, particularly if children are involved. But I would equally recommend separate individual counseling with another therapist.
You’ll need the time and space to process your grief and betrayal no matter what happens to the relationship. Even though you could manage some of these feelings on your own, doing so can lead to unhealthy methods of coping.
Seeking help from a licensed and trained therapist can assist you as you navigate this difficult time.
It’s also advisable to have a neutral third party who can help facilitate communication between you and your wife. If you do want the relationship to continue, trust will need to be built from the ground up. It will take time and effort, but a professional can help you get there.
Remember
While infidelity is a sign that there is trouble within the relationship, remember that her actions are not your fault. What you do next is your responsibility. Remember as you move forward that you deserve to be loved and treated with honesty, kindness, and consideration.
Being cheated on can undermine your sense of security and self-worth. Remember to take time for self-care in the days to come and lean on your support system to help you get through this challenging experience.
You’ll also want to remember that infidelity is not an excuse to harm your wife or her lover. I hate to include this reminder, but any true crime fan will recognize the necessity of just such a warning. Two wrongs won’t ever make a right, and no matter how betrayed you feel, violence is not the answer.
You are entitled to your anger, but you are not entitled to harm another person. If you feel that you could be a threat to your wife or the person she’s cheating on you with, seek help to manage your anger.
Consider
If you cannot confirm your wife is actually cheating on you or go as far as to discover that your suspicions were unfounded, you might have put yourself through the grief and betrayal of infidelity without just cause.
Consider if you have trust issues that stem from early childhood or previous relationships. No one wants to be accused of cheating — especially if they aren’t. Unfounded accusations can also damage trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Consider seeking trauma therapy to address past issues that could impact your current relationship. If you’ve been suspicious of perfectly reasonable behavior, you may have some inner work to do to heal your sense of trust in others.
Instead of expecting partners to keep reassuring you of their fidelity and commitment, you need to address the suspicious elephant in the room — yourself.
Maybe she’s not cheating
There are many good reasons why a woman might start dressing more attractively, going out with friends, and decreasing physical intimacy with a spouse — reasons that don’t involve cheating. She could be experiencing a life change or trying to make more of an effort to nurture friendships.
There could be problems in the relationship that have made her less interested in physical intimacy — or health changes that might not have occurred to you.
Physical intimacy is often linked to emotional intimacy. If you and your wife haven’t spent quality time together lately, she might not be in the mood to get closer to you in the bedroom.
