Developing a secure attachment style as an adult may be challenging but not impossible.
In fact, anyone can learn it. To become securely attached within relationships, it’s important to establish the following.
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Safety
Safety in relationships is about much more than a lack of physical or emotional abuse.
To be safe in a relationship, we have to trust that our partner returns our feelings, supports our growth, and will listen to our wants and needs.
We can speak up for ourselves without feeling judged, shamed, or ridiculed. Even arguments are respectful and take our feelings into account.
This sense of safety can help us securely attach to a partner.
We’re able to allow space within the relationship without feeling insecure that our partner is leaving us or no longer shares our feelings.
There’s no jealousy, manipulation, or suspicion within a safe and secure relationship.
For someone who didn’t develop a secure attachment style in childhood, feeling safe in relationships may be difficult at first.
Seeing a therapist can help us work through childhood issues as well as any early trauma. We can also work on building stronger self-esteem, self-worth, and self-acceptance.
Learning to love and accept ourselves will help us feel more safety in our interpersonal relationships.
It’s also important to work on not reacting to triggers within the relationship.
Rather than assuming the worst, it’s important to self-soothe and to learn what triggers are caused by present circumstances versus past experience.
Being able to tell the difference can help us respond rather than react to partners, friends, and even family members.
Connection
Most relationships have an element of connection, but this isn’t referring to chemistry or sexual connectivity.
Rather, it’s important for us to be able to openly share our emotional experiences with our partners and to have them do the same.
To develop more secure attachment, we need to speak up for ourselves, state our needs, and expect that those needs will be met within a healthy relationship.
Part of connecting with someone else requires that we stop doing the things that have pushed partners away.
Being critical, reactive, and taking everything personally won’t help us develop security. Instead, we need to learn to trust, respond, compromise, and communicate with others.
While therapy can help us build these skills, practice will make progress.
It’s important to work on connection within a safe, healthy relationship. Preferably with a securely attached partner or a partner who is working to become more securely attached.
Comfort
A healthy relationship will offer comfort and support to us when we feel upset. There’s no judgment, criticism, blaming or shaming.
It seems simple, but individuals with an insecure attachment style, can become comfortable in relationships that mimic their childhood experiences.
For instance, if we felt often ignored in childhood, we may allow relationships that neglect our needs and well-being.
People with a secure attachment don’t tend to stay in a relationship with a partner who treats them poorly.
Their self-esteem is too high, and they don’t feel comfortable in situations where someone doesn’t respect them.
While this may seem like Relationship 101, the truth is that insecurely attached, avoidant, and fearful avoidant attachment types don’t look at the world the same way that securely attached individuals do.
This is one reason why securely attached individuals often experience healthier relationships.
To develop a secure attachment through comfort, we need to practice being open and vulnerable to partners and giving them the opportunity to support and comfort us.
Often, adults who don’t have a secure attachment style will be hyper-independent and unable or unwilling to ask for help. This is often due to trust issues or fear of rejection.
Learning to open up and ask for what we need could be key to developing trust and assurance in our relationships.
Practicing assertiveness, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy could help us learn to comfort and be comforted within a safe, secure, healthy relationship paradigm.
Appreciation
In securely attached relationships, partners openly appreciate one another.
While compliments can be a part of that appreciation, it’s also showing happiness and gratitude that we are in the relationship.
If this is another area that seems strange to mention in terms of relationships, it’s important to note that not everyone in a relationship shows appreciation for it.
Why is this important when developing secure attachment? The primary reason is that it encourages a sense of safety and trust in the relationship.
Unfortunately, people without secure attachment often look for opportunities to be critical within their relationships.
They can withdraw and distance themselves from partners and often look for flaws to justify their behavior.
This behavior can self-sabotage relationships whereas open appreciation within relationships can encourage emotional intimacy, trust, and a feeling of security.
